i'll never be too old to play dress-up

note to self: reduce stress

today i had a killer migraine. woke up with a headache at 9 and it was a migraine by 10:30. luckily I had already planned to skip my 12:00 class. I tried to be productive while laying in bed for a bit (I got this new job doing economics research! really exciting but challenging) but my brain just doesn't function with that level of pain. Just thinking about it brings me back to this summer, one night when I had a horrible migraine and was laying in Gringolandia (the intern room) under the desk with all the lights off between classes. When my class started at 7:15 I smiled and taught, and while my students did group work I went to the bathroom to throw up.

well the fire alarm just went off and I stood outside in the misty night for a while. i'm so glad i wasn't in great pain then like i was the rest of the day. i guess that's a blessing, but this whole day feels like it can be put in the category of "pain management". to someone who spends her life calculating opportunity cost, the fact that i had so much to do today just added to my physical pain.

lessons i should (and hopefully will) take from today and other days like it: think big picture, remember that history and econometrics exams do not validate me, and find ways to reduce stress. remember to breathe. find time for things i like and care about even at the expense of school work.

while trying to get my mind off the pain today i watched 'goodnight and goodluck' about television during the red scare. i appreciate a very ideological movie like that every now and then. the media can be a tool for good but so often sticks to what sells to an entertainment-seeking public. i don't blame them for trying to make money. its just hard for your average citizen to sort through the masses of information out there to know what's going on and what matters. I am often overwhelmed by the magnitude of information out there, so much of which I have a craving to know and understand, but even if I didn't take classes or work and just spent all day soaking up current events and good literature, I wouldn't begin to grasp even 1% of what there is to know (just about topics i find interesting!) No wonder our society is so cliquish- people have to specialize to know anything these days, but at the exclusion of knowing about a wide breadth of topics. I may just have to give up on being 'well-rounded' one of these days. Perhaps I already have.

newport

change

if i saw my current life walking down the street two years ago, there is no chance i would have recognized myself. that to say that i'm so glad God is sovereign and that he sees how all the pieces fit because i certainly don't. i feel like i spend so many of my days being pleasantly surprised by the little twists and turns my life is taking, which is doing a lot to strengthen my belief in God's goodness. all this is very vague but we can chat it up if you want specifics. i just felt like I had to capture for myself my overriding mood of this last month and a half which has been "pleasantly surprised". When I finally stopped trying so hard, good things just walked up to me and said "hello". Despite all my busyness, which never seems to go away, in my utmost I feel more restful and at peace than I have in years. If only I could remember that when my overanalyzing mind decides to ponder the future- that undefined set of possibilities.

Time is both racing and strolling along on a beautiful fall day. My life with Stephen is already so completely different than it was without him; that was less than two months ago. I suppose I should just learn the lesson God is teaching me and trust him and the plans he has for me, despite all the unknowns. What was a bit of "running away" to Sweden is definitely no longer serving the same purpose, but hopefully God has a place for those 5 long months of cold and darkness in his master plan.